Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Everyday I'm Strugglin'

I had treatment number six today. Only 2 left!

Dr. Rowland increased the vinblastin (the "V" in ABVD) to 75% since I have been handling the chemo so well. It has been at 50% since my first chemo. We are also not doing a white blood cell booster this time. My counts have been really good, even high at times, so we are going to see how I do without the booster. Needless to say I am a little nervous since we are getting really close to having the same treatment I did for my 1st chemo. You remember the first chemo. It went HORRIBLY! So I am hoping to keep up my liquids and cross my fingers that I will still feel well. Struggling with my desire to be cancer free and not put any more freakin' chemicals in my body!

Dan made meme.

Dan and I love listening to This American Life and this past weekend featured part of a stand up bit by comedian Tig Notaro.  Tig was recently diagnosed with some pretty vicious breast cancer.  She also lost her mother and she walked on stage to talk about it.  Aside from being courageous she very eloquently summarized all the emotions you find in cancer.

It is tense, uncomfortable, and if you're honest with yourself it is also funny.  Laughing while crying is an interesting life experience. We have done a lot that too during this whole journey.
Here is a link where you can listen to an excerpt of her bit.
Just click on Act One and it will begin to play.

If you want to hear her entire set Louis CK is selling it on his personal site.  It's only $5.

Ok, now I'm done with my little PSA.

We will not have a CT scan until 6 months after chemo is over. Having to wait 6 months before my first scan to make sure the cancer hasn't come back seems long. I also would not be able to have a scan while pregnant  Sigh. 

If the IVF had worked I would be busy planning a nursery or painting furniture for the new nursery. I wouldn't think twice about getting pregnant right after chemo either since we would have had an egg on ice ready to go. Instead of looking forward to that though I have to question when my body will ever be ready to have kids. Have I hit menopause? Is it too late? We are still worried about whether or not I have started menopause due to the chemo. We can do some tests as soon as I am done with chemo. Even if I have already started menopause it is sometimes reversible later on.

I am also struggling with the excitement of having only 2 treatments left and the weariness I feel about it all. I hate everything. My chemo clothes, my chemo bag, my lack of hair. Tired of being bald, tired of being tired, tired of feeling weaker and weaker. Tired of not being able to drink a glass of wine (we are too worried about my liver), tired of feeling unnaturally hungry at times (damn anti-nausea drugs), tired of how manic I feel (steroids). I'm sure Dan is tired of me being a crazy, bald lady with weird food cravings too.

Though maybe not as bald as before???

I am trying to look forward to things to keep my mind off of these last few weeks of chemo. Halloween, Thanksgiving, my birthday/no'mo'chemo party. 

Those are all fun things I can look forward too.

We had a great time this weekend too. Wisconsin was great, the weather was perfect and it was so pretty with the fall colors.

Sunset and windmills

It was great to see our friends and hangout. It was also great to hangout with Dan since he has been so busy with gigs. He is luckily a little less busy in October and November, but we do like it when he is busy because this is what he does. Being married to a musician is a lot of fun and a whole bunch of long nights. More for him than me, but I always like having him home. 

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