Today

4/9/2013

--This entry was written on April 9th 2013.  Five months out from chemo.--

I just found out I am pregnant.

However, I won't post this until after my first trimester is over. There are too many variables still to wait for.  I am technically only 4 weeks right now and I am feeling a mix of elation and trepidation. Constant back and forth. 

You see I have had a miscarriage before. 

I feel this is almost a taboo subject. So many women go through fertility issues and miscarriages but do not talk about it publicly.  Especially on the interweb.  (Editor's Note: "interweb" is a modern colloquialism for what used to be known as "The World Wide Web.")

I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want their pity from having a miscarriage.  We were told that I would struggle with getting pregnant (this was 6 months before my cancer diagnosis). All of a sudden we were! It was easy!   

And then it was gone.  And I have come to view our [premature] elation as the worst thing we got from that first pregnancy.

We had only gotten to tell a few people, but we soon wished we hadn't told anyone.  We had to go back to the people that we had shared such happy news with and watch their face fall when we told them we had lost the baby. Feeling the wound cut open again and again, each time you had to tell someone.

But then walking around surrounded by people who didn't know. Who didn't even know how I was breaking inside, how I felt utterly broken.

So I will write this all down so I don't explode.

We are keeping it close this time, keeping our time as "expectant" parents secret until the time is right.  Until we see a heartbeat, until we are done with the first trimester, until we know that this baby is here to stay.